I decided not to include a sex scene in my current story but instead to discuss a few of my thoughts about sex. I have though about, if not actually been actively involved in, sex for almost as far back as I can remember. I remember asking my parents, “Where do babies come from?” when I was about four years old. Predictably their answer took the form of several books on the subject. My mother had decided about a year previously that, rather than trying to invent answers to all my many questions, it would be far easier to teach me to read and then simply point me in the direction of the local library. I started off with the usual children’s books on the subject, but quickly progressed to more adult works concerning first the biology of of sex, later the psychology and at last even a few involving technique. The result was I became sexually aware at a much younger age than most. I remember waking up an hour earlier, before the Saturday morning cartoons, so that I could watch those girls on the exercise shows.
The religious taboos with which I was indoctrinated by my Sunday school teacher, a bubbly, busty girl who exercised my imagination far more in earthly directions, probably saved me, and many adults, the enormous embarrassment that displaying this awareness would have caused. However, this did engender a strange sense of duality. It was like I was always playing a game, pretending, not actually living in the real world. Members of my own age group provided little comfort. Their knowledge of of the subject was rather vague at best and their commentary was usually restricted to puerile jokes. I remember comparing my, seemingly at the time, sexy and sophisticated first grade teacher to the girls in my class and wondering if I could endure the years of waiting required for them to develop brains, and breasts.
When I eventually did experience sex, I was simultaneously surprised and disappointed. As far as physical sensation is concerned the male orgasm is a brief and pitiful thing. I have experienced drugs that were far more sensually pleasurable. Hardly worth the effort really, which I am pretty sure is why male masturbation is generally scoffed at. The female orgasm, however, is the complete opposite. It starts off gently and with careful stimulation will slowly build and build. A girl who is properly aroused is gradually transformed into a wild, crazed thing, full of hunger and desire. She is filled with a near insatiable need which, when finally met, leaves her trembling and breathless. It is this transformation that was the reason for my surprise. There is nothing more emotionally gratifying than to take a girl to the height of ecstasy. To feel her whole body wanting you, needing you, begging for more. I have previously stated that I am motivated mainly by ego and self image, and these observations were in line with this. I realised that I gained far more enjoyment from giving pleasure that receiving it. There was a strange sense of power too, and for the first time in my life I felt I was in complete control, able to play my partner like a beautifully crafted musical instrument. I quickly realised that I would not be capable of handling that kind of pleasure myself and would never tolerate someone enjoying that kind of power over me. This, I realised, was ultimately the difference between male and female sexuality. Women, and I would assume some homosexual men, have the ability to submit, to set aside their self-control so that they may experience unadulterated bliss.
This revelation posed some interesting questions for me. Prostitution for instance, what is the point? I could see how someone would be willing to pay for pleasure, much like a drug addict would pay his dealer, but why would someone pay a girl to pretend to experience pleasure when he knows that this must all be an act? This, in turn, lead me to the question of rape. I have read that rapists are also after a feeling of power, but surely the horror and revulsion expressed by the victim during such and act must have the opposite effect?
Even after so much time thinking about sex and later experimenting I still have many questions and thus look forward to all continued research with unbridled enthusiasm. Any volunteers?
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